{"id":116030,"date":"2025-07-30T04:12:03","date_gmt":"2025-07-30T08:12:03","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/africatodaynewsnewyork.com\/?p=116030"},"modified":"2025-07-30T05:19:05","modified_gmt":"2025-07-30T09:19:05","slug":"jumping-like-wifi-since-1999-a-satirical-series-part-7","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/africatodaynewsnewyork.com\/2025\/07\/30\/jumping-like-wifi-since-1999-a-satirical-series-part-7\/","title":{"rendered":"Jumping Like WiFi Since 1999: A Satirical Series\u2014Part 7"},"content":{"rendered":"

Grand Adviser of All Things and Nothing: \u201cConsult Me, I Know Everything!\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

By Prof. MarkAnthony Nze<\/strong><\/a><\/p>\n

Welcome to Nigeria \u2014 the land where advisers multiply faster than problems, and yet solve absolutely nothing. Here, being an adviser is not a job; it is a lifestyle of nodding, clapping, and saying \u201cYour Excellency, you are a genius!\u201d even when His Excellency just asked if Bitcoin is a new brand of cement.<\/strong><\/p>\n

How do you secure this lucrative advisory gig? Simple:<\/p>\n

    \n
  1. Become a professional praise singer with a PhD in Flattery and a minor in Bootlicking.<\/li>\n
  2. Master the art of saying \u201cThis is a brilliant policy!\u201d before even reading the policy.<\/li>\n
  3. Know someone who knows someone who once fetched water for a godfather during campaign season.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

    Nigeria\u2019s advisers come in different flavors:<\/p>\n

    \u2013 Special Adviser on Technology who still asks his PA to print out his emails.
    \n\u2013 Senior Adviser on Youth Affairs who thinks Facebook is the hottest new app.
    \n\u2013 Adviser on Agriculture who believes a tractor is a type of insect.
    \n\u2013 Adviser on International Relations who thinks the United Nations is a football club.<\/p>\n

    Once appointed, these \u201cexperts\u201d experience immediate transformation:<\/p>\n

    \u2013 Twitter bio updated to include big words like \u201cStrategist,\u201d \u201cVisionary,\u201d and \u201cGlobal Thinker.\u201d
    \n\u2013 Instant wardrobe upgrade to flowing agbadas that double as parachutes.
    \n\u2013 A sudden fake foreign accent that confuses even themselves.<\/p>\n

    Their actual duties? Ah, you overestimate them. They specialize in:<\/p>\n

      \n
    1. Attending endless retreats where the only tangible outcome is buffet-induced sleepiness.<\/li>\n
    2. Issuing long statements about \u201crobust frameworks for sustainable synergy.\u201d<\/li>\n
    3. Traveling abroad for \u201cpolicy benchmarking\u201d that is basically shopping sprees with estacode.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

      When questioned about the economy, their favorite line is:<\/p>\n

      \u201cWe are working tirelessly to build foundational structures.\u201d<\/p>\n

      Foundations so eternal that even archaeologists in the year 3025 will still be asking what was being built.<\/p>\n

      Loyalty? These advisers are loyal only to who signs their allowances. Today they are loyalists; tomorrow they are opposition activists, quoting proverbs about following the will of the people.<\/p>\n

      \n

      Read also: Jumping Like WiFi Since 1999: A Satirical Series\u2014Part 6<\/a><\/strong><\/h1>\n<\/blockquote>\n

      Failure is never punished. In fact, failure is the fastest route to promotion \u2014 from Adviser to Senior Adviser to Super Adviser to Minister of Whatever Remains.<\/p>\n

      Some advisers have never entered their offices. Their staff only recognize them from official portraits hung beside broken wall clocks. The last time they \u201cworked,\u201d they launched an initiative called \u201cEmpowerment for the Already Empowered.\u201d<\/p>\n

      When tenure ends, they face the cameras and declare with dramatic seriousness:<\/p>\n

      \u201cI gave my all. History will vindicate me.\u201d<\/p>\n

      History will not. It will roll on the floor laughing.<\/p>\n

      Because you were Adviser of All Things, knower of nothing, lover of titles, enemy of substance \u2014 appointed not to think, but to agree.<\/p>\n

      Professor MarkAnthony Ujunwa Nze<\/strong>\u00a0is a distinguished Nigerian-born investigative journalist, public intellectual, and global governance analyst, whose work spans critical intersections of media, law, and policy. His expertise extends across strategic management, leadership, and international business law, where he brings a nuanced understanding of institutional dynamics, cross-border legal frameworks, and executive decision-making in complex global environments.<\/em><\/p>\n

      Currently based in New York, Professor Nze serves as a full tenured professor at the New York Centre for Advanced Research. There, he spearheads interdisciplinary research at the forefront of governance innovation, corporate strategy, and geopolitical risk. Widely respected for his intellectual rigor and principled advocacy, he remains a vital voice in shaping ethical leadership and sustainable governance across emerging and established democracies.<\/em><\/p>\n

      Africa Today News, New York<\/a><\/strong><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

      Grand Adviser of All Things and Nothing: \u201cConsult Me, I Know Everything!\u201d By Prof. MarkAnthony Nze Welcome to Nigeria \u2014 the land where advisers multiply faster than problems, and yet solve absolutely nothing. Here, being an adviser is not a job; it is a lifestyle of nodding, clapping, and saying \u201cYour Excellency, you are a […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":9,"featured_media":116031,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"pmpro_default_level":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[15],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-116030","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-opinion","pmpro-has-access"],"yoast_head":"\nJumping Like WiFi Since 1999: A Satirical Series\u2014Part 7<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Welcome to Nigeria \u2014 the land where advisers multiply faster than problems, and yet solve absolutely nothing. 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